Most of you (okay...some of you) know my love of Loretta Lynn and the movie Coal Miner's Daughter. Yes, I admit that it's a strange love, but a love none the less. Coal Miner's Daughter is my favorite movie, probably the reason I imagine singing to my kiddos, the reason why I've always dreamed of pulling up to the Grand Ole Opry (well, the old one at least), and why from time to time you may hear me say to Bret "Quit growlin. You sound like an old bur (aka...bear)." Oh yeah...I do realize that I'm a huge dork. With all of this said, it may be understandable why on my way to Louisville today, I became overwhelmed with emotion while listening to the song Coal Miner's Daughter. It was like all of a sudden I was so proud of Loretta Lynn and had this strong desire to meet her. Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to meet her, but in that moment, she was my hero. I cried tears of joy. Folks, I believe that was my first crazy emotional moment from the medicine. Or at least I hope it was from the medicine. Lord help me if it wasn't.
Todays appointment was my first since I started the shots. I was so excited to see what my ovaries had been up to. I really hadn't felt much of anything until yesterday evening. My belly has started to feel like it's going to pop. I could see why as soon as the ultrasound started. All the little black dots, the follicles, were possible eggs! She said that everything looked normal and how it should be. That was nice to hear "normal". We have been anything but normal since we've started trying to have a baby. To hear that everything was progressing as it should be, normally, was amazing. She said that we will have "lots to work with". Meaning...lots of eggs to fertilize! Sounds so scientific...or like we're animals on a farm....whichever.
Oh...and did I mention that today was my fifth shot? Just five more Follistim injections. This Saturday I start the Ganirelex Acetate. This keeps me from ovulating too early. I will be doing the Follistim and Ganirelex through Tuesday. Monday I have another ultrasound (and blood work...I'm a little pin cushion short and stout...). Tuesday Bret goes in to have stuff frozen (as insurance just in case something happens on the day of the retrieval). Wednesday I go back in for another ultrasound. I take my HCG in for them to prepare. Take the HCG (which makes me ovulate) and then Friday is the retrieval! yay! Next week is big...very big. Everything's going by so fast! Yay! So far, so good.
And a side note...I am milking this whole "pin cushion" thing for all it's worth :) For instance, I ate all the left over Twix from Halloween. Bret pointed this out (of course) and I just noted that I was currently a pin cushion and deserved Twix. Then tonight we were out of milk and needed it for the cornbread (because I actually cooked), Bret said he didn't want to go get it. Then I quickly listed all the reasons he should go get it over me and being a pin cushion was on the top of the list. This will definitely be going on through next week.
PS...I *think* I fixed the comment thing. You should be able to comment now if you wanna :)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Follistim and Climara
Today is my fourth day on the Follistim shot and fifth on the Climara patch. The shot wasn't quite as easy as I thought it would be after our Education Day. I'm not sure what I'm doing differently, but it definitely hurts more than the one I gave myself that day. It burns! Not the medicine, but the needle. Burns burns burns. It's really still not as bad as I originally thought it would be.
The dr advised to do the shot the same time every day. I decided on 8 am. I can be within an hour each day, so that puts me at a good time for photo sessions, etc. Got up that morning and asked Bret if he wanted to get up with me. I assumed he would say no and go back to sleep. He mumbled "yes", but I figured as soon as I walked out of the room he would fall asleep. I didn't mind. I didn't expect him to get up so early on a Saturday. As I'm getting everything ready, in walks Bret. He goes and sits, half asleep, and watches and gives moral support. I want to always remember that. There had been a few days when I really thought Bret and I were going to choke each other. We were just driving each other crazy. I have to admit that part of me thought he wasn't as into this as I was and that disappointed me. Today, I feel completely different. It was just a moody few days for both of us. Turns out this IVF thing can be a little stressful? Who knew? ;) lol. He's been wonderful. We've had the best talks about every aspect of this. What we fear the most, what we're excited about, All that good stuff. Sometimes I think we couldn't possibly talk about it any more, and then we do. I will say that every day we're waiting for me to be overly emotional and crazy...it hasn't happened....yet. Thank God!
So, the patch has definitely been more eventful than the shots. Within the first day it started peeling off and had fuzz all around it (from my shirt and the sticky stuff). I kept going back and forth about calling the dr's office. I don't want to be that patient. Today, after a newborn session, where I moved all around and was squating and bending, I thought there's no way this thing was going to stick. It had air bubbles and seemed to barely stick. After complaining to everyone, everyday, I finally decided to call. First thing they say "have you put a bandaid on it?". Really...I feel like an idiot. Not to mention my sister saying I should put gauze on it and tape it up. Why the hell didn't I think of that? Here I thought Andrea and I could conquer the world if we put our minds to it and now I find out we can't even think of a simple solution like put a bandaid on it! Wow! So, I now have a secure bandaid over top of the patch. All is well in the world of IVF again.
Next up...my first monitoring appointment tomorrow. They'll do blood work and an ultrasound to see how my little ovaries are doing.
The dr advised to do the shot the same time every day. I decided on 8 am. I can be within an hour each day, so that puts me at a good time for photo sessions, etc. Got up that morning and asked Bret if he wanted to get up with me. I assumed he would say no and go back to sleep. He mumbled "yes", but I figured as soon as I walked out of the room he would fall asleep. I didn't mind. I didn't expect him to get up so early on a Saturday. As I'm getting everything ready, in walks Bret. He goes and sits, half asleep, and watches and gives moral support. I want to always remember that. There had been a few days when I really thought Bret and I were going to choke each other. We were just driving each other crazy. I have to admit that part of me thought he wasn't as into this as I was and that disappointed me. Today, I feel completely different. It was just a moody few days for both of us. Turns out this IVF thing can be a little stressful? Who knew? ;) lol. He's been wonderful. We've had the best talks about every aspect of this. What we fear the most, what we're excited about, All that good stuff. Sometimes I think we couldn't possibly talk about it any more, and then we do. I will say that every day we're waiting for me to be overly emotional and crazy...it hasn't happened....yet. Thank God!
So, the patch has definitely been more eventful than the shots. Within the first day it started peeling off and had fuzz all around it (from my shirt and the sticky stuff). I kept going back and forth about calling the dr's office. I don't want to be that patient. Today, after a newborn session, where I moved all around and was squating and bending, I thought there's no way this thing was going to stick. It had air bubbles and seemed to barely stick. After complaining to everyone, everyday, I finally decided to call. First thing they say "have you put a bandaid on it?". Really...I feel like an idiot. Not to mention my sister saying I should put gauze on it and tape it up. Why the hell didn't I think of that? Here I thought Andrea and I could conquer the world if we put our minds to it and now I find out we can't even think of a simple solution like put a bandaid on it! Wow! So, I now have a secure bandaid over top of the patch. All is well in the world of IVF again.
Next up...my first monitoring appointment tomorrow. They'll do blood work and an ultrasound to see how my little ovaries are doing.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Baseline Tests and Back in Time a Week or So
Hi everyone! Just a quick update. Went in for my baseline work yesterday. This was an ultrasound and bloodwork to measure my baseline levels so they can better monitor my progress. This is the same work they will be doing at my next appointment and the 3 after that. Miss Kitt said everything looked great. The only thing she noted was that there was a little bit of endometriosis on my left ovary. It completely sucks that it's already back (I just had it all removed in December), but I expected it would be back eventually. She said it was just a little spot and won't affect anything. My right ovary looked beautiful and I could see little follicles all over the place already.
On Thursday I couldn't help but think what a difference a week makes. A week before Thursday, IVF was still just this abstract thing we had been talking about for years. Actually, a year ago, I was saying "let's just pray we don't have to do IVF because we won't be able to afford it". God truly works in mysterious ways. Here we are almost a year later and we still can't afford it, but we're making it work. God's mysterious ways just happens to be low interest credit cards and some very awesome early Christmas/Birthday/Easter/Halloween presents :).
I never want to forget that feeling last week. When she placed the calendar in front of my face, I suddenly forgot how to read a calendar. It looked like mumbo jumbo to me. It was like a big blur. I couldn't understand this language she was speaking and certainly couldn't read the language. No matter how much research I had done, it didn't prepare me for that moment. I had underestimated it. Bret apparantly knew what was going on and wondered why I kept asking certain questions. Finally it all hit me when she said something about coming in the following week. I said "so we're doing this soon huh?" She said "yeah...like next week!" I couldn't breath. I looked at Bret. Bret looked away (he says because I was freaking him out). I looked back at the calendar. Kept thinking "I need to compare this to my business calendar. Can I do all these dates? Well, who cares. I will just have to cancel or reschedule whatever I need to. This comes first." Then I just agreed to whatever she said after that. Shaking my head and thinking "what did we get ourselves into?"
We went to eat after that, to celebrate (or to let it all sink in and not get in a wreck on our way home...however you want to look at it). The whole time I was in disbelief that this abstract thing we had been talking about wasn't so abstract anymore. While we were eating we got a call from the drug company asking for our insurance information. They had already received our prescription. Of course, our insurance didn't cover any of the medicine (No shock there. It's nearly impossible to find an insurance that does.). We get a call on our way home (which is nearly two hours away) for payment information. I nearly wreck trying to multitask and decide it may be in the best interest of myself, Bret, the insurance company, our future children, and all the strangers on the road to give Bret the phone. He took care of the payment info and I freaked out a bit more. Apparantly my bank didn't believe that we would be making a HUGE purchase to a drug company and blocked my card, after they accepted that transaction (thank God). That was fun to take care of. That was a very long and exhausting day.
The very next day we received our medicine. And I freaked out some more. In case you're wondering, I'm not really freaking out any more...okay...maybe a little.
Here's what an IVF calendar looks like. A few things have been changed around, but this is pretty much what she handed me that day, minus the messy notes by me :)
OH I almost forgot! We put my first Climara patch on this morning. This is suppose to help the lining of my uterus by pumping me with more estrogen...I think. Bret asked if I wanted him to do it. Really I could've myself, but I thought it was so sweet that he asked...so I said yes. He's so helpful :) Note to self: be sure to read the instructions even for things that seem so simple.
TOMORROW...my first shot!!!
On Thursday I couldn't help but think what a difference a week makes. A week before Thursday, IVF was still just this abstract thing we had been talking about for years. Actually, a year ago, I was saying "let's just pray we don't have to do IVF because we won't be able to afford it". God truly works in mysterious ways. Here we are almost a year later and we still can't afford it, but we're making it work. God's mysterious ways just happens to be low interest credit cards and some very awesome early Christmas/Birthday/Easter/Halloween presents :).
I never want to forget that feeling last week. When she placed the calendar in front of my face, I suddenly forgot how to read a calendar. It looked like mumbo jumbo to me. It was like a big blur. I couldn't understand this language she was speaking and certainly couldn't read the language. No matter how much research I had done, it didn't prepare me for that moment. I had underestimated it. Bret apparantly knew what was going on and wondered why I kept asking certain questions. Finally it all hit me when she said something about coming in the following week. I said "so we're doing this soon huh?" She said "yeah...like next week!" I couldn't breath. I looked at Bret. Bret looked away (he says because I was freaking him out). I looked back at the calendar. Kept thinking "I need to compare this to my business calendar. Can I do all these dates? Well, who cares. I will just have to cancel or reschedule whatever I need to. This comes first." Then I just agreed to whatever she said after that. Shaking my head and thinking "what did we get ourselves into?"
We went to eat after that, to celebrate (or to let it all sink in and not get in a wreck on our way home...however you want to look at it). The whole time I was in disbelief that this abstract thing we had been talking about wasn't so abstract anymore. While we were eating we got a call from the drug company asking for our insurance information. They had already received our prescription. Of course, our insurance didn't cover any of the medicine (No shock there. It's nearly impossible to find an insurance that does.). We get a call on our way home (which is nearly two hours away) for payment information. I nearly wreck trying to multitask and decide it may be in the best interest of myself, Bret, the insurance company, our future children, and all the strangers on the road to give Bret the phone. He took care of the payment info and I freaked out a bit more. Apparantly my bank didn't believe that we would be making a HUGE purchase to a drug company and blocked my card, after they accepted that transaction (thank God). That was fun to take care of. That was a very long and exhausting day.
The very next day we received our medicine. And I freaked out some more. In case you're wondering, I'm not really freaking out any more...okay...maybe a little.
Here's what an IVF calendar looks like. A few things have been changed around, but this is pretty much what she handed me that day, minus the messy notes by me :)
OH I almost forgot! We put my first Climara patch on this morning. This is suppose to help the lining of my uterus by pumping me with more estrogen...I think. Bret asked if I wanted him to do it. Really I could've myself, but I thought it was so sweet that he asked...so I said yes. He's so helpful :) Note to self: be sure to read the instructions even for things that seem so simple.
TOMORROW...my first shot!!!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Education Day...After
I shot myself! Er...I gave myself a shot! I felt like a kid that just hit their first ball in a t-ball game, "I did it Mommy! I did it!" Yes, giving yourself a shot may not be a big deal to so many people, especially those of you who are use to sticking yourselves daily, but for me, this was a HUGE accomplishment. I would get sick just thinking about it. I won't go into detail about why because I don't want my BFF passing out. Let's just say I couldn't stand the thought of it. I've never been a fan of needles. I mean, really, who is? Not that I'm in love with them now, but I confronted my fear, gave it a good karate chop, and kicked it's boot-ae! Take that fear. Take that needles.
Now...let's back up. First of all, I want to remember everything about every detail. It was a stormy day and I FREAK OUT when I think we're going to get caught in a tornado. All day I was thinking, "okay, if it's close when we're finished we could go get something to eat so we're not on the road". Or "okay, maybe I can make it back home before it hits". Of course, this made Bret's day that much more enjoyable. He loves me...really he does. Despite my fears (there's that nasty word again), we made it there and even home without getting caught in anything more than really strong winds.
Now get ready for lots of details. I really hope I don't bore you. I promise not every post will be detailed and boring!
We arrived to the clinic armed with my fancy IVF binder (more on that later) and our box of meds. You know, they didn't seem to think I was TOO crazy for all of my silly post-it notes.
We were greeted by the IVF Nurse Coordinator. She was so friendly and sweet. Which, of course, helped TONS. She gave us a tour of the facilities. She pointed to where I would be getting ready for the retrieval and where it would actually take place. Next was the area for the transfer (we get to choose from a ceiling with clouds or a ceiling with clouds and pretty pink flowers...flowers please). Next we sat down and she answered all of our questions. I didn't realize we had so many until we got started! Here are a few questions we asked:
After going through all the details of the meds and the calendar, she started preparing a syringe. I was so confused because I thought we had already gone through everything. Oh no...apparently that was for ME to test everything out and show I had been a good student. Um...what!?! Now!?! Here!?! In front of everyone (aka her and Bret)!?! I was so nervous that I opened up the alcohol swab and didn't even use it. Great...I'm gonna give myself an infection on my first shot...of saline! lol. After that, I put it to my skin and just pushed through. I took a deep breath and said once (not a million times like I usually do for things I'm nervous about) "Just do it". I put my big girl panties on right there and just did it. I was so proud. My eyes got really wide. I said "I did it. That wasn't bad at all!". I swear, I truly felt like Bailey or Jake talking to Andrea saying "I did it Mommy. I did it!"
And so our Princess of the meds (Follistim) doesn't feel left out, here she is in all her glory in our refrigerator. She was keeping cool. However, we were told since it's so close, we don't have to worry about keeping it cold. In fact, I'll want to get it room temperature before injecting it. She said it hurts less that way. I will fo sho be doing that!
Next....my baseline blood work and Ultrasound this Friday. Oh...and pay...and STD tests (required). Fun fun fun.
Now...let's back up. First of all, I want to remember everything about every detail. It was a stormy day and I FREAK OUT when I think we're going to get caught in a tornado. All day I was thinking, "okay, if it's close when we're finished we could go get something to eat so we're not on the road". Or "okay, maybe I can make it back home before it hits". Of course, this made Bret's day that much more enjoyable. He loves me...really he does. Despite my fears (there's that nasty word again), we made it there and even home without getting caught in anything more than really strong winds.
Now get ready for lots of details. I really hope I don't bore you. I promise not every post will be detailed and boring!
We arrived to the clinic armed with my fancy IVF binder (more on that later) and our box of meds. You know, they didn't seem to think I was TOO crazy for all of my silly post-it notes.
We were greeted by the IVF Nurse Coordinator. She was so friendly and sweet. Which, of course, helped TONS. She gave us a tour of the facilities. She pointed to where I would be getting ready for the retrieval and where it would actually take place. Next was the area for the transfer (we get to choose from a ceiling with clouds or a ceiling with clouds and pretty pink flowers...flowers please). Next we sat down and she answered all of our questions. I didn't realize we had so many until we got started! Here are a few questions we asked:
- Bret wanted to know how bad the hormones were going to be (giggle). She actually said that it's usually no worse than PMS. Mine isn't bad, so we can only hope :) Oh wait...I usually cry the day before my cycle starts...every month. Uh...oh!
- I wanted to know their opinion on acupuncture and IVF. She said it wasn't her expertise, but I could ask the RN. She said she was a fan of it.
- I wanted to know if the 3 "rest at home" days really meant stay at home. She said to just take it easy.
- What were all of our options for the other healthy embryos (if we're lucky enough to have lots) that aren't implanted. We knew about freezing. She said we could also donate them for adoption or give them for research.
- Then lots of questions about the meds...as I'll talk about in a second.
After going through all the details of the meds and the calendar, she started preparing a syringe. I was so confused because I thought we had already gone through everything. Oh no...apparently that was for ME to test everything out and show I had been a good student. Um...what!?! Now!?! Here!?! In front of everyone (aka her and Bret)!?! I was so nervous that I opened up the alcohol swab and didn't even use it. Great...I'm gonna give myself an infection on my first shot...of saline! lol. After that, I put it to my skin and just pushed through. I took a deep breath and said once (not a million times like I usually do for things I'm nervous about) "Just do it". I put my big girl panties on right there and just did it. I was so proud. My eyes got really wide. I said "I did it. That wasn't bad at all!". I swear, I truly felt like Bailey or Jake talking to Andrea saying "I did it Mommy. I did it!"
And so our Princess of the meds (Follistim) doesn't feel left out, here she is in all her glory in our refrigerator. She was keeping cool. However, we were told since it's so close, we don't have to worry about keeping it cold. In fact, I'll want to get it room temperature before injecting it. She said it hurts less that way. I will fo sho be doing that!
Next....my baseline blood work and Ultrasound this Friday. Oh...and pay...and STD tests (required). Fun fun fun.
Education Day...Before
Today I'll be learning how to turn my body into a pin cushion. Yep, today is our education day. We'll be dragging that big ol box of medicine to Louisville with us. They'll take each med and tell us what it's for and how to administer it. I still can't believe that I'm going to be giving myself shots. Every night. For around two weeks. Wow! I know everyone says this, but I really hate needles! It doesn't help that I read about one persons experience who said her stomach turned into cottage cheese after a while and she had big bruises everywhere. Add that with the discomfort of the multiple eggs growing in your ovaries. You know what else I read about that person? They got pregnant. Their first time. With twins. I have so many mixed emotions. I'm excited. So so so excited, but I'm NERVOUS. I've been so tempted to go bust one of those needles open and just get the first prick over with. Of course, I can't do that because then I'll run out of needles.
Now I am prepared for everyone in the office to think I'm crazy. I went through all the literature that they gave us. I found each medicine and tried to figure out what it was for and when I would be taking it. I then took a post-it note and stuck on the box of the medicine with which step it was and when I would be taking it....or stabbing myself with it. Whichever. I think I figured everything out except one. I'll go into more detail once I know for sure about everything.
Also today we will be taking a tour of the facilities. I'm really excited about this part, but pretty sure I won't remember it when I need to. Hhhhmmm.....will they think I'm a dork if I record it? lol.
I'll post pictures of my meds and what I'd rather be doing later. Gonna be late late late for an important date!
Now I am prepared for everyone in the office to think I'm crazy. I went through all the literature that they gave us. I found each medicine and tried to figure out what it was for and when I would be taking it. I then took a post-it note and stuck on the box of the medicine with which step it was and when I would be taking it....or stabbing myself with it. Whichever. I think I figured everything out except one. I'll go into more detail once I know for sure about everything.
Also today we will be taking a tour of the facilities. I'm really excited about this part, but pretty sure I won't remember it when I need to. Hhhhmmm.....will they think I'm a dork if I record it? lol.
I'll post pictures of my meds and what I'd rather be doing later. Gonna be late late late for an important date!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Smile My Sunshines
It would be ideal to start this story with a "I've dreamed of being a mother my whole life", but, to be honest, I'm not sure that would be the truth. The only time I remember being the momma in my pretend world was when my cousins were involved and I'm pretty sure that was only a way to boss them around. Sure, I took really great care of my cabbage patch dolls and maybe pretended that they were my kiddos, but most of my play was singing to the tops of my lungs and pretending that I was a famous rock star or attempting to be "discovered" by some random talent agent roaming the hills of Eastern KY (hey, it could happen). The days that weren't filled with that, were filled with my make-believe mom/dad/sibling rock band (yes...my very own Partridge Family), being a worker at whichever random fast food joint we had been able to go to that month and I had saved the boxes to (my favorite was, of course, KFC), or being a pure tom-boy climbing trees and walking fences. Yes, if my childhood play were any indication of my future, I would be a famous musician OR a fast food worker. Those of you who know me well also know that I found out a long time ago that I am HORRIBLE at both of those things.
Really, I'm not sure when this desire to be a mother came about. Some where along the way I fell in love with the joy and amazement in a child's face. To be truthful, I think it all boils down to the fact that I wanted that "normal" Mother-Child relationship, ya know? The one I thought I never truly got to have. The closest I've come is to my wonderful Grandmother and my beautiful Aunt, both of which I've had a Mother-Child relationship with, but can we really call it normal? This isn't the driving force now since I've realized just how much both of those relationships have meant to me, but I'm pretty sure that was the first reason I wanted to be a Mother. Then in high school I had my most favorite classes, all the Family and Consumer Sciences classes (I even had to carry around an egg for a few days, like it was my baby. I cried when someone "killed" one of them. I'm calling you out Scott Gussler. Sure I shouldn't have left it in the car I guess. lol). That's when I really began to imagine it. Me...a Mom (besides the whole leaving the baby egg in the car thing). Then it became my number one goal in life, to be a good Mom.
When Bret and I met, one of the things that made me fall in love with him (aw...who are we kidding...I was already swept away...correct that to say "fall even more in love") was how wonderful he was with kids and the fact that he already had names picked out for those kids! Come on, how many men do you talk to about kids within the first couple weeks and they (1) don't run and (2) actually have thought about the same things you have? My heart melted.
Bret hates it, but that has been the hardest part of this struggle for me. My heart broke when I realized we may never be parents. My heart broke into teeny, tiny pieces when I came to the realization that I may NEVER give Bret the thing he most desired. To be a Father. To pass down the things his Father had passed to him. I offered to let him divorce me. It made complete rational sense to me. This was bigger than us. It's not fair to him. I still tell myself that, but I try with all my might to push it some place that I can't see it. He's told me so many times that he loves me and married me, not my uterus (or damn fallopian tubes...damn things).
When I really think about wanting to be a Mother and when it all started, I remember back to my college days, or maybe even before then. My favorite cd was the Hope Floats soundtrack (which I seem to have lost...drats!). One of my favorite songs from that cd was Smile. Some of you may remember that song from the movie My Girl 2. When I was bored or on a long road trip, I would sing this song over and over again in my car, trying to remember every word. Imagining myself singing this to my baby or maybe my older child when they've scraped their knee.
Yes, I imagined myself being a little Maria from The Sound of Music apparantly. This wasn't the only song I did this with. There's also the song You Are My Sunshine, which I worked really hard on once I got the Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack (I only got the first verse and, of course, the chorus down). I would practice those songs often on my long road trips to Louisa from EKU. Each time, imagining singing them to my children. Recently a new friend made me such a sweet gift of two cd's, each with music she thought I would like and would be great for my business slideshows. She could never know how much those cd's meant to me. I instantly imagined a car seat in the back with a little mini me (or mini Bret), both of us singing these songs over and over, until we had every word memorized.
Here are two of my favorites from the CDs:
But, in all actuality, I don't think it really matters when the desire came along, it just matters that it did come along. I can't say that I can't imagine my life any differently. The truth is, Bret and I are happy. We are so in love. There are many people who don't have that, even those with children. We are lucky. When we started thinking that this wasn't likely, that we may never be parents, we started changing our visualizations of parenting to visualizations of big extravagent vacations that all our friends with children would be jealous of. Or traveling every summer to help children all around the world. Things that we know would be more difficult to do with children. In that world, the world without children, we were still happy. So many couples are destroyed when they struggle with infertility, and understandably so. We've always said we just don't want that to happen to us. When it feels like that may happen, we will pull out of the fight. And to be quite frank, there are parts of being a parent that scare the hell out of me. For instance, what if some childhood emotional trauma resurfices or what if I'm just not good at parenting?
Now that we have hope again, now that we've gone from a 20% chance to the normal 50% chance with IVF, that desire is stronger than ever. I've become obsessed with the idea. I'm letting myself do things that I wouldn't before. I'm visualizing our baby. I'm saying their names (in case it's a boy or girl). I'm imagining their nursery. I'm imagining nursing. I'm imagining them being toddlers and following Bret around at football practice. I'm imagining documenting their lives and their photos being all over our walls. I'm imagining being pregnant and having maternity pictures done. I'm imagining singing to them the songs I've sang to them so very often.
We love you William Steffen and/or Faith Michael.
Really, I'm not sure when this desire to be a mother came about. Some where along the way I fell in love with the joy and amazement in a child's face. To be truthful, I think it all boils down to the fact that I wanted that "normal" Mother-Child relationship, ya know? The one I thought I never truly got to have. The closest I've come is to my wonderful Grandmother and my beautiful Aunt, both of which I've had a Mother-Child relationship with, but can we really call it normal? This isn't the driving force now since I've realized just how much both of those relationships have meant to me, but I'm pretty sure that was the first reason I wanted to be a Mother. Then in high school I had my most favorite classes, all the Family and Consumer Sciences classes (I even had to carry around an egg for a few days, like it was my baby. I cried when someone "killed" one of them. I'm calling you out Scott Gussler. Sure I shouldn't have left it in the car I guess. lol). That's when I really began to imagine it. Me...a Mom (besides the whole leaving the baby egg in the car thing). Then it became my number one goal in life, to be a good Mom.
When Bret and I met, one of the things that made me fall in love with him (aw...who are we kidding...I was already swept away...correct that to say "fall even more in love") was how wonderful he was with kids and the fact that he already had names picked out for those kids! Come on, how many men do you talk to about kids within the first couple weeks and they (1) don't run and (2) actually have thought about the same things you have? My heart melted.
Bret hates it, but that has been the hardest part of this struggle for me. My heart broke when I realized we may never be parents. My heart broke into teeny, tiny pieces when I came to the realization that I may NEVER give Bret the thing he most desired. To be a Father. To pass down the things his Father had passed to him. I offered to let him divorce me. It made complete rational sense to me. This was bigger than us. It's not fair to him. I still tell myself that, but I try with all my might to push it some place that I can't see it. He's told me so many times that he loves me and married me, not my uterus (or damn fallopian tubes...damn things).
When I really think about wanting to be a Mother and when it all started, I remember back to my college days, or maybe even before then. My favorite cd was the Hope Floats soundtrack (which I seem to have lost...drats!). One of my favorite songs from that cd was Smile. Some of you may remember that song from the movie My Girl 2. When I was bored or on a long road trip, I would sing this song over and over again in my car, trying to remember every word. Imagining myself singing this to my baby or maybe my older child when they've scraped their knee.
Yes, I imagined myself being a little Maria from The Sound of Music apparantly. This wasn't the only song I did this with. There's also the song You Are My Sunshine, which I worked really hard on once I got the Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack (I only got the first verse and, of course, the chorus down). I would practice those songs often on my long road trips to Louisa from EKU. Each time, imagining singing them to my children. Recently a new friend made me such a sweet gift of two cd's, each with music she thought I would like and would be great for my business slideshows. She could never know how much those cd's meant to me. I instantly imagined a car seat in the back with a little mini me (or mini Bret), both of us singing these songs over and over, until we had every word memorized.
Here are two of my favorites from the CDs:
But, in all actuality, I don't think it really matters when the desire came along, it just matters that it did come along. I can't say that I can't imagine my life any differently. The truth is, Bret and I are happy. We are so in love. There are many people who don't have that, even those with children. We are lucky. When we started thinking that this wasn't likely, that we may never be parents, we started changing our visualizations of parenting to visualizations of big extravagent vacations that all our friends with children would be jealous of. Or traveling every summer to help children all around the world. Things that we know would be more difficult to do with children. In that world, the world without children, we were still happy. So many couples are destroyed when they struggle with infertility, and understandably so. We've always said we just don't want that to happen to us. When it feels like that may happen, we will pull out of the fight. And to be quite frank, there are parts of being a parent that scare the hell out of me. For instance, what if some childhood emotional trauma resurfices or what if I'm just not good at parenting?
Now that we have hope again, now that we've gone from a 20% chance to the normal 50% chance with IVF, that desire is stronger than ever. I've become obsessed with the idea. I'm letting myself do things that I wouldn't before. I'm visualizing our baby. I'm saying their names (in case it's a boy or girl). I'm imagining their nursery. I'm imagining nursing. I'm imagining them being toddlers and following Bret around at football practice. I'm imagining documenting their lives and their photos being all over our walls. I'm imagining being pregnant and having maternity pictures done. I'm imagining singing to them the songs I've sang to them so very often.
We love you William Steffen and/or Faith Michael.
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