Smile My Sunshines

It would be ideal to start this story with a "I've dreamed of being a mother my whole life", but, to be honest, I'm not sure that would be the truth. The only time I remember being the momma in my pretend world was when my cousins were involved and I'm pretty sure that was only a way to boss them around. Sure, I took really great care of my cabbage patch dolls and maybe pretended that they were my kiddos, but most of my play was singing to the tops of my lungs and pretending that I was a famous rock star or attempting to be "discovered" by some random talent agent roaming the hills of Eastern KY (hey, it could happen). The days that weren't filled with that, were filled with my make-believe mom/dad/sibling rock band (yes...my very own Partridge Family), being a worker at whichever random fast food joint we had been able to go to that month and I had saved the boxes to (my favorite was, of course, KFC), or being a pure tom-boy climbing trees and walking fences. Yes, if my childhood play were any indication of my future, I would be a famous musician OR a fast food worker. Those of you who know me well also know that I found out a long time ago that I am HORRIBLE at both of those things.

Really, I'm not sure when this desire to be a mother came about. Some where along the way I fell in love with the joy and amazement in a child's face. To be truthful, I think it all boils down to the fact that I wanted that "normal" Mother-Child relationship, ya know? The one I thought I never truly got to have. The closest I've come is to my wonderful Grandmother and my beautiful Aunt, both of which I've had a Mother-Child relationship with, but can we really call it normal? This isn't the driving force now since I've realized just how much both of those relationships have meant to me, but I'm pretty sure that was the first reason I wanted to be a Mother. Then in high school I had my most favorite classes, all the Family and Consumer Sciences classes (I even had to carry around an egg for a few days, like it was my baby. I cried when someone "killed" one of them. I'm calling you out Scott Gussler. Sure I shouldn't have left it in the car I guess. lol). That's when I really began to imagine it. Me...a Mom (besides the whole leaving the baby egg in the car thing). Then it became my number one goal in life, to be a good Mom.

When Bret and I met, one of the things that made me fall in love with him (aw...who are we kidding...I was already swept away...correct that to say "fall even more in love") was how wonderful he was with kids and the fact that he already had names picked out for those kids! Come on, how many men do you talk to about kids within the first couple weeks and they (1) don't run and (2) actually have thought about the same things you have? My heart melted.

Bret hates it, but that has been the hardest part of this struggle for me. My heart broke when I realized we may never be parents. My heart broke into teeny, tiny pieces when I came to the realization that I may NEVER give Bret the thing he most desired. To be a Father. To pass down the things his Father had passed to him. I offered to let him divorce me. It made complete rational sense to me. This was bigger than us. It's not fair to him. I still tell myself that, but I try with all my might to push it some place that I can't see it. He's told me so many times that he loves me and married me, not my uterus (or damn fallopian tubes...damn things).

When I really think about wanting to be a Mother and when it all started, I remember back to my college days, or maybe even before then. My favorite cd was the Hope Floats soundtrack (which I seem to have lost...drats!). One of my favorite songs from that cd was Smile. Some of you may remember that song from the movie My Girl 2. When I was bored or on a long road trip, I would sing this song over and over again in my car, trying to remember every word. Imagining myself singing this to my baby or maybe my older child when they've scraped their knee.



Yes, I imagined myself being a little Maria from The Sound of Music apparantly. This wasn't the only song I did this with. There's also the song You Are My Sunshine, which I worked really hard on once I got the Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack (I only got the first verse and, of course, the chorus down). I would practice those songs often on my long road trips to Louisa from EKU. Each time, imagining singing them to my children. Recently a new friend made me such a sweet gift of two cd's, each with music she thought I would like and would be great for my business slideshows. She could never know how much those cd's meant to me. I instantly imagined a car seat in the back with a little mini me (or mini Bret), both of us singing these songs over and over, until we had every word memorized.

Here are two of my favorites from the CDs:





But, in all actuality, I don't think it really matters when the desire came along, it just matters that it did come along. I can't say that I can't imagine my life any differently. The truth is, Bret and I are happy. We are so in love. There are many people who don't have that, even those with children. We are lucky. When we started thinking that this wasn't likely, that we may never be parents, we started changing our visualizations of parenting to visualizations of big extravagent vacations that all our friends with children would be jealous of. Or traveling every summer to help children all around the world. Things that we know would be more difficult to do with children. In that world, the world without children, we were still happy. So many couples are destroyed when they struggle with infertility, and understandably so. We've always said we just don't want that to happen to us. When it feels like that may happen, we will pull out of the fight. And to be quite frank, there are parts of being a parent that scare the hell out of me. For instance, what if some childhood emotional trauma resurfices or what if I'm just not good at parenting?

Now that we have hope again, now that we've gone from a 20% chance to the normal 50% chance with IVF, that desire is stronger than ever. I've become obsessed with the idea. I'm letting myself do things that I wouldn't before. I'm visualizing our baby. I'm saying their names (in case it's a boy or girl). I'm imagining their nursery. I'm imagining nursing. I'm imagining them being toddlers and following Bret around at football practice. I'm imagining documenting their lives and their photos being all over our walls. I'm imagining being pregnant and having maternity pictures done. I'm imagining singing to them the songs I've sang to them so very often.

We love you William Steffen and/or Faith Michael.